adoption and love.

can i be honest?

adoption is hard.

there, i said it.

i said it, because i don't feel like people say it enough.

and for the past few months, i've been feeling somewhat inadequate with myself, because loving elsa has not been the easiest thing for me to do.

i thought that because i ended up so sick, right after she came home, that maybe that was the reason why i wasn't bonding like i had hoped with her...and i'm sure it had something to do with it, but since feeling better, i can honestly say that i still struggle with love on a daily basis.

everyone told us that the journey to get elsa would be so hard...to brace ourselves.  but not one person told us about how hard it might be once she gets home.  i knew life wasn't going to be perfect.  adoption isn't necessarily a happy thing.  it involves grieving and changing and adjusting.

while in kansas, i met with my best friends' mom...you see, she has adopted 3 kids, and i needed to talk.  and would you believe it that one of the first things she says to me is this:  "so, i was asking God what we should talk about and i really felt like He was leading me to ask you if you need to repent of any thoughts you've had about elsa, or any actions you've taken towards her?"

ummmm, yes please. 

i do need to repent.  you see, i've sometimes thought that maybe we made a mistake.  sad, but true.

i've also been annoyed, irritated and frustrated with her on a daily basis.

she confessed that she had those same thoughts too...and i slowly began to feel normal.

she challenged me that day to take actions towards loving little elsa.

that it wasn't going to come easy or natural, but that i needed to make sure i was showing that little girl how much i loved her (or at least wanted to love her).  that i needed to go above and beyond any normal actions.

once i practice this, loving will come natural.

through gritted teeth, i agreed.

you see, i feel bad that loving her doesn't come natural for me.  i'm a mother, and she's my daughter...it should be easy, right?  she is such a good little girl too.  she obeys.  she eats all her food.  she cleans when asked.  she gets along with the other kids.  she's happy.

i just struggle with the love aspect of it all. 

but let me clarify that i am grateful she is a part of our family.

all this to say, i'm not trying to discourage anyone from adoption.  i think it's a wonderful thing and i truly feel like if you are feeling led to adopt, then you should do it.

i just wanted to confess that it's not as easy as it seems.

that it's okay to have these thoughts...as long as you decide to work through them.

i felt alone in my thinking...and if you've felt like this towards your adopted child, you need to know that you're not alone.

i'm not saying that everyone feels like this, but i know that some do.

god knows the desires of our hearts (and one of my biggest desires is to love elsa just as though she is my biological child)...and he will bring that into life.

i'm not sure how long it will take, but i trust that it will happen for me, and it will happen for you too.

{picture taken by allyson}