did i do enough?

it all happened so quickly.

i had been awaiting this day for months...crossing off days on my planner.

the time seemed to be going so slow.

and then...it was here.

milo and elsa started pre-school on tuesday of this week, which now means i have 4 kids in school, 4 days a week.

that's a lot.

a lot of kids out of my house.

a lot of time on my hands.

a lot of emotions running through my heart.

don't get me wrong...i was ready for them to go to school.

i was ready for the break that school would provide to me...and i am thankful for it.

i do not get emotional when the kids start school (wait till my last kiddo starts school, then we'll chat again)...but at the same time, i can't help but wonder...did i do enough?

this is it---for the next 14 years or so, they will be in school...then off to college.

my time with them as little human beings, staying home with their mama everyday is over.

done.

gone.

did i do enough?

did i nurture their spirit enough?

did i spend enough quality time with them?

did i push them away too much because of everything on my "to-do" list?

did i make memories that they will always remember?  and by memories, i mean good ones.

my heart wants to say "yes", but there is always going to be that negative spirit inside of me that tells me i didn't do a good enough job.

that i could have done better.

as i walked them into their classroom, i noticed milo being...well, milo.  apprehensive, snapping fingers (he does this all the time---like a nervous tick), didn't want to talk to the teachers.  there wasn't any crying involved (praise jesus) but i could tell he wasn't exactly ready for me to leave.  i hugged him and prayed a soft and quiet prayer in his ear.  i was going to miss him.  as much as his NASCAR lovin' ways can make a mama go bonkers, i was going to miss it.  who would tell me all about joey logano and his #20 home depot car all.day.long?

i was ready for him to begin school, but i surely would miss him.

and elsa was quite the opposite of milo.  i remember requesting milo and elsa to be in the same class, for elsa's sake...but really, who am i kidding?  she could have gone into a room full of squirrels and had a great time.  as we walked into the building she waved and said HI to everyone around us.  she is such a happy spirit.  she couldn't wait to go to "cool" (school, as she says it).  she loved her teachers already---in fact, she gave one of them the biggest hugs i've ever seen.  she quickly looked at me from across the room, waved a confident wave, and said "bye mommy" and then proceeded to sit in her seat and play with play-doh.  i smiled at the thought of her in this school.  living a life so completely different than a life in africa.

thriving.

i would surely miss her too.

{elsa rockin' her perfect treasure tank}

so, i know this isn't "the end".  i know they are still little.  and we still have time together (every friday to be exact)...but it tugs at my heart just a little to know that this stage of life has begun for them.

no turning back.

and all i can hope is that i did enough.

and i'm sure it's a question that will linger for years to come.

i imagine being old, wrinkled and gray...surrounded by a plethora of grandchildren...asking myself the same question.

i think it just naturally comes with a mothers heart.

{and if you're wondering if i'm bored all day long now with all of them gone, think again.  kohen talks my ear off and gives me a run for my money.  some days i think he's harder than all 5 of them combined.  geesh}